Damaging a Marriage (2)
Marriages are damaged when the fundamental needs of the wife or husband are not met. Psychologists, theologians, and ordinary honest people agree what these are: a husband needs his wife to respect him, and a wife needs her husband to unconditionally love her. If this sounds like opinion, consider how Paul finished chapter five of Ephesians. “Nevertheless let every one of you (husbands) in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” The nuances of love are given in 1 Corinthians 13 and exemplified in Christ’s love for the church. Here are a few dictionary synonyms for the Greek word translated ‘reverence.’ “to be struck with fear, struck with amazement, to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.”
Notice these roles are commanded. Therefore, the Lord enables us to fulfill them. This also implies that they are not natural. Our sin nature does not naturally obey God. It will take the grace of God to fulfill these consistently. Third, the command implies that a marriage cannot function biblically apart from them.
When a husband senses his wife does not respect him, he will react by withdrawing his expression of love for her. Likewise, when a wife does not feel loved, she will lose respect for her husband. This can turn into a vicious cycle. If you are in this cycle now, then keep reading!
A husband will work for and expect the respect of his wife. If he does not get it, then he can easily turn bitter toward her. This is no doubt why Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” (Col 3:19) This is an unconditional command, not dependent on her respect.
Likewise a wife is commanded to respect her husband, even if she does not feel the love she expects. She can do this by focusing on his strengths and trusting God to work on his weaknesses. Remember the prayer I shared in the 2nd Family article? One line read, “May they never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, ‘Out of all this world you have chosen me.’” Please read that three more times, and then say it to your spouse.
I recently heard a man teaching about love and respect in marriage. Because of the vicious cycle mentioned above, he and his wife developed this response. When his wife senses he does or says something unloving, she responds, “That felt unloving. Was I disrespectful to you?” Likewise, when the husband senses the wife is not respecting him, he says, “That seemed disrespectful. Did I do or say something unloving?” This avoids accusation and focuses on helping each other fulfill personal responsibility.
Making a marriage work takes work! But God and all the resources of heaven are available to make it happen!