Damaging a Marriage (1)
When we were married, I was naïve enough to honestly say I could foresee no future problems. Of course, for this to happen she would need to see me as perfect and I would see her the same. That didn’t happen. One person defined marriage as, “a flawed person married to a flawed person in a fallen world but with a faithful God.” It is amazing that two sinners can live under the same roof for fifty years without one or the other at least being maimed!
According to enrichment journal the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%, for the second 60%, and for the third 73%. (The rate of divorce in the church is NOT even close to this, contrary to some statements.) No one plans divorce when they marry. So how could such a good thing end up so bad?
It doesn’t take much research to find plenty of reasons why marriages break up. The list usually includes finances, sex, infidelity, communication breakdown, abuse, boredom, addictions, etc. But these are symptoms of deeper needs. For the world, the need is Christ. But Christians also experience lack luster marriages, not worthy of their Scriptural comparison to Christ’s relationship with the church. Let’s focus on some foundational causes of marriage problems for the next few weeks. The first is unmet expectations.
It has been said that at a marriage altar six people are being married: who the groom thinks he is, who the bride thinks he is, and who he really is, then ditto for the bride. Of course, the average newlyweds think these are all the same. They aren’t. Too often he expects her to be the ideal he envisions and, when she isn’t, he reacts and the problems begin. The same is true, of course, of the wife. The unmet expectations can turn to bitterness and remain unresolved for years, even decades.
The answer to this problem is two fold: focus and trust. First, focus on your own responsibilities instead of your mate’s. An older couple attended one church where we were members. The man was continually prodding the pastor to preach on “wives be subject to your husbands.” I asked him what he hoped would happen if the pastor did preach on this. He, of course, expected his wife to be more submissive. I encouraged him to focus on his own role of loving her as Christ loved the church. He ignored this and soon left the church. The truth is, the wife would have found it easier to submit to a more loving husband.
Second, give your expectations to God. Psalm 62:5 states, “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” If you both are what God wants you to be and you trust God to make your mate what he/she should be, you are headed for a happy marriage.